My Life after CANCER

I have been writing this for a long time now, but I don't know how my loved ones and everyone around me would react to this. I have been having this in my mind for around 6 months now and I did not know how to handle it. My best way always was to write it down and here I am doing it finally. This is not to hurt anyone or to portray negativity. This is to tell you guys how I feel and also to make you know that I am not positive always. 

During chemotherapy everyday someone would tell me.. "this will be over soon and you will be back to normal" I believed it at that time.. But it did not happen.. and my life is not normal again and I understand it will never be normal again.. 

My close people told me.. We would celebrate after I win over cancer.. But even after my chemotherapy is over.. even after my scan reports are clear.. I am not ready to celebrate as I am still fighting cancer..

And you know what is the worst part.. Even now the blame game continues..

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I had myself and everyone around me blaming my lifestyle, my food habits, my body weight and a lot more for cancer.. But the fact was.. These were never the reasons why I got cancer in the first place..

And now the blame game continues..

When I shave my head everytime.. the first comment I get "why do you keep shaving your head; if you leave it it will grow, you are doing this to yourself". But I never had someone to understand the pain I go through everytime when I see bald spots in my scalp. I shave my head just to avoid seeing them. Everytime I grow hair and see bald spots I just remember all the hell I have been through.

When I vomit everytime, now I have everyone including my doctor to say "your chemotherapy is over and this vomiting is nothing to do with chemo". I had no one to hold my hand and say this vomiting is going to stay for a very long time, even till I die.. as this vomiting is psychological which cannot be easily handled. Oops and for your information "vomiting is not an easy task to do" and I am not inducing it myself but my mind is finding it very difficult to fight it.

Before chemo, I had severe back pain and I still remember what my best friend told me and never knew how much it did hurt me "Your back pain has nothing to do with cancer don't relate unnecessary stuff" but the fact was that back pain was actually due to cancer in my spine. And now I am nervous to tell anyone how much pain I am enduring on a daily basis.. My joints and bones are killing me, my muscles have not gotten the strength to stand up and all my body wants to do is lie down and sleep. But I try hard, believe me, I try really hard to make myself active, to get up from bed, to do my daily chores, to walk, to exercise, to sit and work for 8 hours a day. But now what everyone can easily say including my loved ones "you need to be active, you need to start exercising, you need to reduce your weight to be healthy and active". But I never had someone to tell me that this is a reaction to the withdrawal from the steroids, it is a sign that my immune system is fighting back very hard. But all they could say was "You need to bear with the pain and start being active only then you will feel better"

When I cry, sometimes I have a reason and most of the time I don't have a reason. But when I have a reason and I tell that to someone the most common answer would be "you are thinking too much" or "everyone undergoes the same".. but in reality what cancer survivors undergo are completely different from what others undergo. I always needed someone who undergoes something that I undergo or someone who can tap on my shoulder and say "I may not understand what you are going through but I will definitely be here for you always without judging you"

I keep running to my doctor, for swelling in my legs, chest pain, vomiting, cold, fever, blood in my urine, blood in my stools and a lot more. And you know what people around you can easily blame on "You should try being more healthy, eating more healthy food, trying natural healing ways". But the reality is nothing will work as this is how chemotherapy and its post complications are about to go on and nothing is going to stop it.. Still, believe me, I will do anything that will reduce this pain and bleedings but nothing is working out. 

When I tell someone I am afraid that my cancer is back, the one easy answer anyone can give is "You are just imagining stuff".. but that is true, I am imagining and I am panicking. Because everytime I have something even as simple as a headache the first thought that comes to my mind is a tumor in my brain.. This applies to every symptom I have.. The only thing I think of now is cancer and a tumor somewhere in my body. You may think I am overreacting but it is not true, I am having a panic attack every day. Because when I had cancer 2 years back the last thing I thought of was being diagnosed with cancer, and now the first thing I think about everyday is cancer coming back.

Somedays are worse, I sit back think about my future, wonder why I survived and will question myself "what's next"? I know this is common to anyone in my age but you know what makes it different, I need to add a treatment plan, a death plan and after-death plan along will my future planning which most of you may not think of.. but the same me, will scold myself for not taking one day at a time, while that is what I am supposed to do.. 

I don't feel beautiful anymore, I feel ugly and I don't know why. I wished someone could make me feel beautiful but the reality is no one can make me feel beautiful, it should be 'me' who should feel beautiful, but I am not able to do it. Even when I have a reason to dress up, I prefer to stay in my pajamas or trousers, because whatever I do, I am bald, fat, and ugly and don't feel like a woman anymore and sometimes I don't feel like a human too.

During chemotherapy, I stayed within the four walls of my room which seemed like a prison for me. Those 6 months I waited for the day I can fly and roam around with friends, but that did not happen. After treatment I can get out and be with my friends but I cannot. Everytime I think of stepping out of my home, I feel like breaking and exploding. I don't know why, I was a complete extrovert but now I have social anxiety, one disorder I never dreamed of having. Sometimes I can't even face someone, because I fear what questions they are going to throw at me. And the sympathy their face shows, it kills me everytime.

My life is will never be the same again. I have started to accept it and making myself strong for it. I wonder what life holds for me but whatever it is I am ready to accept it. I accept both good days and bad days, both positivity and negativity, both healthy and sick days, both happy and lonely days. I am tired waiting for my life to change and I have started learning to live my life with cancer. I may not be a pro in it but I am trying my best everyday. Thanks for the people who are with me in this journey, I do recognize it.